1-1-11

OK! back again. i quit writing so early in the spring last year, the year of horrendous events. 2010: my mother is dead. my friend's son c is dying of cancer. my first career is over. i lost a uterus. my father is now walking again after major surgery, almost immediately after my mother's sudden death.

2011: a new year, and strangely, new hope. within the terrors of this last year, i found an ember alive, and i intend to nurture it with the care one derives from deep appreciation. it's odd, to discover that really, one can take so much. and go on.

I have a new career, and am encouraged, excited and challenged. and not in an "i wish" way. our son m is engaged to his darling girlfriend a, so a wedding will highlight 2011. we visited c and his wife today, sharing laughter and a rare afternoon of his feeling good. turns out both c and mr. view have sported mustaches in the past...mr. view's dating to 1975, but still. a mustache is a mustache.

life really goes on, babe. watch for it.

the ides of march approach

i look around, and notice danger. my world at this moment is a viper pit. teetering at the edge, i hasten to step back, to observe and tolerate all that i know, and worse, all that i fear. though there are naturally specifics, nonetheless i recognize the constant refrain of the emotional reactions i so often have to such varied situations!

c.s. lewis wrote that he had never realized how grief felt like fear.

there are so many i admire

i have been thinking about the writers (bloggers) whose work i most admire. now that i've tried to start writing myself, i am encountering the stark reality of composing thoughts and creating a thematic approach to lay down the ballast for whatever might follow. it's hugely demanding for me! spit and baling wire, la belette rouge, a femme d'un certain age, how the heck do they do it?? they sally forth, speaking eloquently and freely with their unafraid voices. while i ask: how much to reveal? how much to say? the reserve i seem to hold so close...the dangers of self-revelation?! i suppose i must conclude that my vaunted belief in the possibilities and optimistic opportunites life offers must be offset by my unacknowledged fears? i mean, we all inhabit this world, and the dangers for one are the same as for all. mine is thus far a funny and unfocused blog. bear with me?

new york times crossword

i have a certain addiction going these days...to the new york times crossword. NOT to the monday puzzle, which is, frankly, for the brainless...but starting tuesday, it gets more and more fun until friday, at which time the mental exertion quota goes higher and starts to weigh me down. by saturday, forget it, pure frustration and brain strain. but then comes the sunday puzzle, the most fun of all. WHY do i like this?? my husband can't understand it, and our sons are puzzled. the only people who do understand are other addicts. it's like a special society, the guilty imbibers. and everyone has their own particular useage behavior...

a stolen idea

la bellete rouge writes a great blog, and one of her latest ideas is so good, i'm snaking it away and putting my local version together. she's a bit resentful she's living in southern california, but is putting together a long list of reasons it "doesn't suck to live there". her attitude charms and amuses, plus has the advantage of being funny.

100 reasons why living in the san francisco bay area is a pretty good deal:


reasons 90-100

100) it's possible to be outside every day of the year, and while it might be raining, bitterly cold, or searingly hot, we're still talking a range of 40-80 degrees f.

99) not too many "spare the air" days. some, though. sadly, the days we can't light a fire, or barbeque usually turn out to be the days you really would like a fire, or to throw some flank steak on the barbie. anyway, not too many, not yet.

98) there is only gentle pressure to get rid of wood-burning fireplaces, like banners across the road into and out of towns, for example. no actual banning.

97) the beach at crissy field allows dog off-leash. they just have to be under voice control, which seems so civilized.

96) the beach at crissy field also draws some great-looking dogs and fun people watching and talking.

95) plus you get to watch the windsurfers using the beach to launch from.

94) and you can walk to the warming shack at the end of the road for hot chocolate or coffee or tea, when it's open.

93) all the while, you will be staring up at the golden gate bridge above, and really, could life get any better than that?

92) fort mason, where you can go to the italian museum, the mexican museum, greens restaurant, (the best vegetarian restaurant in the city), the museum of modern art's artists' original works store, the sf main library's used book shop, etc., and also listen to the gulls screaming around like they own the place.

91) once you are dazzled by the spectacular floral arrangement as you enter greens restaurant, you might want to detour past the take-out counter, 10-4 pm. their chocolate cherry cookies and their fruit tartletts, well, beggar belief.

90) and still, there's more! you get to walk out past the sailboats in their berths, looping around the cove and catching the sting of sea air as you breathe it all in. and all of this is really crissy field and environs.

90)

91)

93)

a new year now

time to get started on the promise to stand in and accept all emotions, staying true to the premise that recognizing what is possible to control and doing that, while assessing what can't be controlled, and accepting that, is our best human accomplishment. i can be such a scaredy cat about sadness or fear, and find myself going to great effort to avoid those nasty feelings. but truly, it is altogether a different experience to just face them, allow them, and observe as they dissipate. why is it that doing this each time somehow doesn't readily come to mind? i'm constantly having to remind myself, and still so often automatically resort to the usual remedies, lacking though they always are.

i'm already doing better, however, and plan to practice, practice.

a view from california

i look out my window each morning and see this, or a version of this, every day. the changing pattern of fog, light, sun and clouds alerts me to the possibilities life allows, if i take the time to drink it in. after the distillation of the power of family over christmas, as in pleasures and tensions fully absorbed, it calms me to regard this view. it's a great, good fortune to so love where one lives, oh baby.